I am talking to myself these days. When my wife was alive, she would often tell me I talked more to myself than I did to her. So I am used to talking to myself.
There is a problem with that, however. I need interaction. My own voice just bouncing off the walls gets monotonous. I need to hear other voices. Yes, I do answer myself back sometimes, but, I need some other perspectives. Even my wife would make comments from time to time. Even if it was to tell me to stop thinking out loud.
I am lonely. Not all the time, but ….the sound of the clocks on the wall gets louder at night. The oil burner and the heat make more noise than I ever realized. The walls and the roof creak on occasion. Sometimes I like the sounds. They keep me company. Other times I want to hear music, actual melodic music instead of the house talking to me.
Sometimes I think I am smelling things like food, or smoke from a cigarette, the scent of hand cream, something cooking, potpourri (yes, there is some of that around). I call these my olfactory hallucinations.
I am describing loneliness and quiet. And sadness, and joy. Oh, you didn’t pick up on the joy part yet, huh? You have to listen with that third ear. It is akin to the third eye in meditation. The third ear helps you to listen BETWEEN the lines…and hear what may not be spoken.
Of course, sometimes there is only silence there. But, other times it may be soft, it may be subtle, it may be obvious or barely perceptible, almost imperceptible. How do you hear joy?
I am not sure, I don’t know it well enough to teach someone else how to hear it yet. I am learning. I am learning how to hear it for myself. How to feel it, how to see it and take it in, absorb it, let it ignite my cells. How to embrace the sensation in my body. I am more used to suffering.
You know, the aches of painful past memories, those I am conscious of and those that are below my conscious radar. Some are just below, some are further below, some are buried deep and require serious patience and inquiry as to why they are still there. What are they doing there? How did they get stuck there, and since they are probably doing something that had a survival function at some point which is no longer serving the original purpose, how do I embrace it and allow it to shift?
Time for a nice deep breath, several actually. Can I just be present with those inner beings, (usually it is a child from 3 or 4 or 5 yrs old to a teen or young adult, but more often than not it is a young child because young children are more easily damaged or traumatized), and accept them and start a dialogue with them?
That is what I am practicing. Next week I hope I will gain some valuable guidance, that of a therapist who understands the language of communicating with those long untouched inner places. So, in theory, if I embrace those inner children, there is a shift, a transformation of some sort, and a cultivation of joy.
What a nice phrase, a cultivation of joy. A cultivation of joy. A cultivation of joy. Conjures up an image of gorgeously rich earth being mixed up and aerated and prepared for something delicious to be grown. I can smell that earthy, aromatic flavor.
I breathe in and focus on the joy of my breath, I breathe out and and am grateful for another day. I realize I need a balance of solitude, and meaningful interaction with someone who understands what I am going through.
I did a quick study on classes in your area.
A lot of classes (if you do some digging) are free; especially when they are introductions.
Find some you enjoy: photography, fishing, wine tasting, cooking. Or try something you have never tried; "wine and painting" (I've taken that a few times; fun!) I was shocked how good the first time painters were. (The instructor had a little too much wine)
Also, your write beautifully; so maybe a writing group or a book club. Even if they are all women, you may like that; they will love you.
But, you need quality companions, and projects. You are very vulnerable now, and just need a little direction and focus.
The first 2 are bereavement, you may be past that. But, those are usually free and can't hurt to be around peers.
*Yale New Haven Hospital provides bereavement services and support to families and friends after the loss of a loved one. For information on the bereavement support group schedule, please call 203-415-8940.
I am so glad you are going to go to a therapist.
PS: I have done lots of these classes; usually do
the 1 or 2 time ones (short commitments). I'm looking forward to joining a long term group, after I sell my house and resettle.
The next was very sleepy, and the last time I saw her; she fell asleep.
The next said she wouldn't want to talk about the medical HMO company we both worked for, and that was a huge source of my agony.
But, I think just processing through all that, I gained.
I know when I move into my new house; I will be going through a lot. My plan is to take classes and volunteer (not a lot) just a day or two a week, til I really figure it all out.
It's scary to got through these losses and changes. But, in those moments of promise, occasionally it is really exciting to think I could have a brand new shiny life with brand new people.
I hope you can rebuild your life soon!
did everyone have a mrs. wolf????? mine was PS 92 in Brooklyn, NY....i assume you did not grow up in NY...did you???? thank you...for sharing that....and yes...the smells?...they seem exquisitely real...it really feels a bit strange at times...but I just shake my head, say, okay...I smell that...for whatever reason
anyway, thank you, for your words, for touching yet another part of my heart and initiating something else for me to share...you didnt realize, lol, when you replied, a few sentences from you would cause this verbal diarrhea in me....it is ok... I sort of have it under control.... kind of, sort of, maybe, maybe not...LOL..ahhhhhhhhh.... I need to go take a walk... I promised myself I would