My Second Christmas Without; & a Poem for Levity

Why Christmas Eve Service?

By Neal Klein | December 25, 2018


What happened last year, was repeated again this year at the Stony Creek Congregational Church in picturesque Stony Creek, Branford, without any preconceived expectations that it would. From the setting and the sermon of the Reverend James, to the singing of the carols and hymns in the beautiful and cozy church, I was moved with the all too familiar waves of feeling that I have become accustomed to over the last twenty-three months since my wife died of pancreatic cancer.

Of all the things I truly enjoyed and found significant in some meaningful way, it was the service I attended with my mother-in-law last year and last night, that touched a place in me that was the food I was hungry for. It was exactly the sounds, the words, the air that I yearned to breathe and wanted to feel infusing into my blood.

Maybe it is the strong connection that Emilee had to the church itself. The building is lovely, and I can feel the history when I am there, and I feel the life of the stained-glass windows and the wood and stone of its construction. Maybe it is because it is a spiritual gathering. Reverend James’ talk always seems to be speaking straight to me and my heart.

He spoke of the meaning of this holiday, and the meaning of the birth of Jesus Christ, the One who offered hope in a rather bleak and chaotic political atmosphere at that time in history. Things were not good back then. People were under Roman rule, people were being used as slaves, there were many warring factions. The lives of the native inhabitants of the region were not valued much by the rulers. It was not peaceful.

This year he talked about how some people view going to church as an interruption of the holiday. Especially children, and even his own recollections of childhood conjured thoughts of how going to Church felt like an intrusion on the fun of the holiday. Some, children and adults, still feel that it almost gets in the way. Almost like the birth of the baby Jesus was an interruption in the order of things. An inconvenience, a disruption. And a beacon of hope.


Interesting, since at least for now, and especially interesting since I am a Jew, going to the service is the only part of this holiday that…. That what? That opens my heart to all that I am feeling? That connects me to Emilee? That connects me to Spirit that I feel inside me all the time, but is particularly strong at this season? This season, which was a strong favorite of holidays and times of the year in Em’s book of favorites?

I love to sing. So, add the setting, Reverend James’ words that hit home and are very here and now and present for me, the tradition of the setting, and the singing of the carols and hymns, and I am primed to feel. I feel a mixture from pure joy when singing my heart with other voices, to such deep sorrow, along with both memories of the past, feelings of loss, and the exquisite gratefulness of the sweet breath of the present, that I am at times just overwhelmed and my eyes runneth over. When Reverend James said this is a time and a place to feel deeply, feel the ache and the sorrow and, also to feel the joy, the jubilance and the liveliness of spirit, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I felt similarly last year.

When I shook his hand after the service and mentioned how much I enjoyed his words, I could not help the involuntary gush, as I said, “Obviously I have the part of ‘feel free to allow the tears’ down pat quite well”, which helped bring back a smile to my face. His face expressed a look that was one of knowing and compassion.

I intend to continue this tradition of the Christmas Eve service, next year, Spirit willing. It continues to be the high point for me, in a rather difficult time of year. And somehow, with all the lows and highs of emotion, I feel more at peace when I leave the service, than when I walked in. To me, that is the magic of Christmas.

May that feeling of hope and light transfuse into the hearts of many. May the world and especially my country as part of this world, find its way back to the light in a very difficult time. May Spirit gives us strength to make it so. 

I wish you sweet moments with those you love.


And just for a little levity


I Ate Too Much by Neal Klein

inside my brain
there is a signal supposed to sound
when I tell myself to refrain
from eating like a ravenous hound,
but for some unknown reason
during this delicious display of foods I like,
especially made at this holiday season,
I loosen my control and my pants, as my stomach expands and my sugar spikes,
listen, this is not a complaint but sometimes I seethe
that I have eaten so much I can hardly breathe,
and then I take a walk with the neighbor's dog
so I can come back and eat again just like a hog,
my grandma used to encourage a second sitting,
re-tailor my pants with an ever-expanding elastic fitting,
well now I am older, my grandma has long since crossed over,
at holidays and special occasions I sometimes still eat like Rover,
and I like to wear sweats when having a special meal,
so I can eat, like a fish-gobbling seal,
and my waistband stretches like rubber,
to accommodate my whale-like blubber,
I try to be mindful and maintain my cool,
But sometimes I still eat like an unconscious fool.


Two songs, okay, three, since you insisted  .....  A Hank Williams song, "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

Randy Newman, from Toy Story, You've Got a Friend in Me

Neil Young    Harvest Moon

Hope you enjoy as much as I do when I learn them and get them somewhat playable, lol, I strive for playable, certainly not perfect. If you get a smile or a tear out of it, then I have given you a gift and in so doing, I honor the love inside that is my mission to share. Hugs. I would at this point put a Snoopy icon with a big heart right alongside, or Pooh, or Dr. Seuss, or Mr. Rogers. You get the picture. 

Danean, Thomas like this post.
Danean, Llorente sent you a prayer.
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Like last year, Nan found herself holding her breath as you described this year's Christmas Church Service. We believe in magic too. And the Christmas Spirit. And miracles. We had a giggle or three when we read your poem (I especially enjoyed the dog references!) and Nan wants you to know she grew up listening to Hank Williams and still has the LP! Hugs to you Uncle. We're so glad we know you; you enrich us :*)
Deborah likes this comment
You always have the bestest comments and your words put a smile on my face. Thank you
Thomas likes this comment
Today I go visit my grandson on Long Island it's his second birthday. You know I started trumpet lessons a little over 6 months ago and I'm going to play happy birthday for him today on my trumpet. It won't be the most perfect or the most beautiful in the world but I will play it with my heart. By the way I posted it on my Facebook page. These things they're still very. bittersweet without my partner she used to make sure everything was wrapped nice and pretty, and sometimes my packaging looks a bit shitty, but my heart's still a swellin with love, and I you know she is smiling from above, watching me scramble and squirm as I continue to learn, how to share all the love she left, even though sometimes I still feel bereft, and so today I do my best to stay in the joy celebrating this special day of the special boy.

He was one of those things that helped keep her going and she got to see him a few days before she died. It was one of the most special days I have etched in my memories.
Thomas, Deborah like this comment
That's so nice of you to say, Uncle. We do enjoy talking and listening to you. You touch a chord with us .. kindred spirits? Or perhaps we're made of the same star dust? *tailwags* Whatever it is, we like it. Hugs :*)
Deborah likes this comment
*soft paw* I remember you writing of Emilee meeting your grandson in her final days .. and how very special it was. Yes, one of those extra precious memories that etches itself on your heart, to be brought out and mulled over, marvelled at, relived with a swell of gratefulness and joy, and put carefully back in your memory vault until the next time. We love those kind of memories. They can be painful too, but overall they are a treasured joy that warm our hearts and bring a smile to our face. We wish you many smiles Uncle, particularly on this special day. Your trumpet rendition of Happy Birthday is fabulous. Hugs :*)
Deborah likes this comment
Hugs for your woofs that wag my tail, hugs for Nan's sweet words that cry like a wolf's wail, an ancient deep sound connecting life, touching souls across ions and especially my wife, you too (& two) are surely in touch, with the vibrating resonance I'm learning to love so much
Thomas likes this comment
Beautiful words make our hearts sing .. and we love the rhymes we are noticing. Hugs :*) rhymed...and in syncopation well timed.. Bravo
Thomas likes this comment
I grew up Congregational, found it quite boring or maybe it was just me. It probably was but very glad you got the message you needed. That's what it's all about. Even though I've read these before, they get better with every reading, Your doing a good job Snoopy.
Thomas likes this comment
You've been on our minds, Aunty. We had many Christmas wishes and one was for you and Uncle. Hugs :*)
Deborah likes this comment
Snoopy is smiling & doing his happy dance
Thomas likes this comment
Thank you Thomas. It is comforting to know we are not going through this journey alone. Roger did quite well this year during the holidays. His spirits are good, we wish we didn't have to keep getting that dang chemotherapy but even that will come to an end in time. We have enrolled in a clinical study that does testing, there is a small chance it can help. We feel research is important even if we don't get what we would like from it. We hope your holidays were wonderful and there were lots of treats under the tree for you. Sophie sends her sweet love too.
Thomas likes this comment
We keep our paws and fingers crossed for luck with the study, Aunty. And it's good hear Unca Richard is doing well. It's so impawtant that his spirits are up. Nan took me off home chemo and meds for 5 days before Christmas, to give me a break because I seemed a bit depressed (I've been on chemo since April). And the break made a big difference to me, got my energy and bound back, acted like I was a pup again *tailwags* I'm back on the home chemo and meds now but seem to still be in much better spirits. Smoochies for Sophie, hugs for you 'n Uncle xx :*)
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Vital Info


February 10, 2017

North Haven, Connecticut 06473

Cancer Info

Pancreas Cancer

Stage 4


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